By kennypugh on
My Transition – 20 Questions I Asked Myself Before Pursuing Marriage
1. Do I love myself?
Yes. I feel confident answering this affirmatively after going through the process of healing. I have worked and sought out God’s forgiveness for my past insecurities and transgressions. Until you can answer yes to this question, you will have challenges maintaining healthy relationships. Unfortunately, there are those who will prey, not pray, on those who don’t love themselves.
2. Have I purged the hurts and pains of my past? Am I ready to trust and be vulnerable again?
Yes. I have been through, and caused, some storms in my life. However, I can look back on those situations as learning experiences that have prepared me for being able to love without holding her hostage to my past. You often have to be purged before you can be promoted.
3. Do I truly know what love is?
Yes. I have been able to hold onto my faith as the foundation for what true love looks like. Love is being able to extend the same grace and mercy God has extended to me. True love is unconditional and that’s a very important component in a healthy and prosperous marriage. I now know I can pursue this type of love.
4. Am I more excited about the event or the life experience?
Life experience. The wedding is nothing more than a celebratory pit stop en route to a lifetime relationship. I want what my parents have. I want what both sets of my grandparents had before my grandfathers passed away. Being able to develop a never-ending relationship, build a trustworthy friendship, watch a family grow and create a lifetime of memories is worth a lot more to me than the wedding event.
5. Am I interested in changing the person I am marrying?
No. I have developed a love for who Tamiko is and accept the person she has become. I know that only God can truly change someone, but I sincerely love who she is today. One of my favorite statements is “Never take someone to the altar with the expectations of altering them.”
6. Can I see the person I’m marrying being a parent to my children (for those interested in having kids)?
Yes. This is one of the aspects I truly adore about Tamiko. Watching how respectful and well-mannered her son and daughter are gives me the trust and excitement about the possibility of co-parenting with her.
7. Am I prepared to be the priest, provider and protector of the home?
Yes. I take the role of being a man very seriously. I feel as if I’ve been in training for this transition for years and look forward to continuing my growth as a husband and father. I have a relationship with Christ and know how to communicate with Him. I have a multiple stream of income mentality and am unafraid to get my hands dirty in the event times get tough. I accept the responsibility of being a protector. This means keeping outside influences from harming my family physically, spiritually and/or emotionally.
8. Is this a rebound relationship or one built on friendship and love?
Our relationship is built on friendship and love. I took years off after my previous relationships. I did so because I wanted to reflect on my failures, successes and contributions I made toward the downfall of past relationships. Bouncing from relationship to relationship is an unhealthy way to operate. You will NEVER identify what you truly need in a relationship while remaining connected to temporary placeholders.
9. Can I see myself with this person until death do us part? Do I love this person so much that I can see myself with her as either of us takes our last breath?
Yes. I can see myself with her until one of us takes our last breath. I gleaned this viewpoint from our awesome pre-marital counselors. #thatspowerful
10. Do we know how to resolve conflict?
Yes. We are able to communicate difference in opinions without raising our voices, cursing, belittling each other, etc. This was a huge factor in me being able to open my heart to Tamiko. My past has presented a number of relationships that included too much voice raising, arguing and battling until there was a victory. Not all battles are worth fighting. I HATE ARGUING!
11. Do we have the support of friends and family?
Yes. We have both received the blessings from both sides of our family. This was a huge factor with me feeling free to move forward with our courtship. I wasn’t open to moving forward without having the marriage conversation with both of our parents. Call me old school if you want, but I believe in maintaining some of the old school traditions.
12. Are our purposes complementary? Do we make each other better?
Yes. I believe that she and I together can achieve a number of purposeful things on a much greater level. I have been sharing the concept of ‘greater together’ for years and I have now found my purpose partner.
13. If we were on a deserted island together, would we be able to enjoy each other’s presence and company?
Yes. I’m sure we would find enjoyment through fun conversations, dancing to our favorite childhood songs and creating fun games. The person you marry should bring light and joy to your life without the need of superficial things. The point of this question is to identify whether you truly love the person or their resume (e.g., job, money, status, cars, etc.).
14. Do we respect each other?
Yes. Enough said! You CANNOT marry someone you don’t respect. Doing so is a surefire way to destroy a relationship.
15. Is this the right time?
Yes. Although I don’t believe there is necessarily a ‘perfect’ time, I do believe there is no reason to wait once you identify the special person for you.
16. Do I know this person’s view of divorce?
Yes. We believe that divorce is off the table when it comes to our relationship. We know there will be ups and downs, but at the end of the day…we have both agreed to fight through the tough times.
17. Are we equally yoked?
Yes. Both of us are born-again, believers in Christ, who base our lives according to God’s direction. Our reference manual for life is the Bible.
18. Am I able to share the truth in love?
Yes. Tamiko and I have gone through the process of working through discussing some not-so-fun topics. Fortunately, neither one of us is combative or argumentative, which means we rarely have a disagreement. Compared to a number of my previous relationships I consider this #winning
19. Am I willingly ready to commit?
Yes. Any hesitation to this question means you’re not ready. I AM READY!
There is a twentieth question that I can’t answer by myself. Can you guess what it is? Stay tuned for the answer…
Updated as of July 2, 2014…She Said Yes!