April 13, 2011 | Posted in:Christianity, Life, Romance and Relationships

I have been reminded by God time and time again that only He has the ability to orchestrate the footsteps of our lives. Unfortunately, in a quest for personal focus on self and the desire to create successes on our own, we make the mistake of trying to validate something that He never ordained or blessed into existence.

I have taken much ridicule about the process I promote for relationship development. However, I continue to hold strongly to the view that we were never meant to ‘date’ according to the ways we see demonstrated in our current society. If the current method was working, then we would see a lot more success stories than we do. The way today’s dating model is constructed causes people to inadvertently put the cart before the horse. It is impossible to operate in a fully committed relationship without having some knowledge of the person you are connecting to. Thus, confirming the need to operate as friends before exploring any other level of relationship. I know…the dreaded ‘friend zone’ is one of discomfort and sometimes frustration, but it really does expose the true reality of who someone is. Also, the dreaded ‘friend zone’ gives you the benefit of assessing whether or not a relationship may truly ‘fit’ in the lives of two people.

Do you want to learn how someone communicates? Allow them to operate in the ‘friend zone’ for a period of time.

Do you want to learn how someone operates under adversity? Allow them to operate in the ‘friend zone’ for a period of time.

Do you want to learn the habits of a person? Allow them to operate in the ‘friend zone’ for a period of time.

The ‘friend zone’ gives two people the opportunity to build a foundation before adding any other complexities into the relationship (i.e., sex, commitment, other superficial expectations). The keys to relational success hinge on two individual’s ability to communicate effectively, operate under the same values and beliefs, and resolve conflict (see communication). Without these core pieces in place, a relationship will struggle. Fortunately, establishing a true friendship gives great insight on communication, beliefs, and conflict resolution.

The moral of this blog is simple…

Most failed relationships can be prevented if two people pay attention to the signs. If God reveals that a relationship isn’t a good fit, then don’t try and force it! Otherwise, you’ll only have yourself to blame for making an erroneous and anxious decision.


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  1. Quentin McCall
    April 13, 2011

    Congrats on the site! I love it. This article is wonderful brother. People have to learn to all the test of time to do its work. Not every relationship has to be a romantic union. Sometimes a friendship is the most valuable gift God has given us. Without healing from past wounds the foundation for a conducive environment for love is ruined. Good job bro! -Q

  2. Lena Willis
    April 13, 2011

    I agree, I admit that I didn’t used to (lol), but I do now. You articulated the point very well here… If you can, give me an example of a superficial expectation, I just want to make sure I understand it correctly. Thanks, KP!

  3. Lashona
    April 13, 2011

    This is so so true and on point! Thanks for sharing this with the World! It’s very much needed. My people perish for lack of knowledge! and it’s time for us to get educated on this relationship thing and do it God’s way. FRIENDSHIP is so important to have when embarking on new relationships. Keep doing what your doing.

  4. Maya Kennard
    April 14, 2011


    I wonder what all defines the difference between “the friend zone” and what comes to mind when we think of (abstinent people) dating…

    Intentions of the heart?
    Topics of conversation?
    You mentioned expectations…
    Activities enjoyed and settings?

    Wheels turning… Still processing this…

    But no pondering necessary to see and say that it’s excellent!!!

  5. Gator Girl
    April 14, 2011

    Another awesome blog topic and this time I just had to respond. I am sad to hear that you have taken much ridicule about your position/view on relationship development. I first heard your view in late 2006 (or maybe early 2007) and I was not sure how such a concept could really work in light of the indoctrination I had developed over the many years I had engaged in the ‘dating’ game. The worldly model is to date whoever you want (strangers essentially), engage in whatever behavior you so choose for that relationship, and expect to come out of it with a ring on your finger, the house, the children, a white picket fence with a lovely white dog standing behind it, and the good ol’ happily ever after. Unfortunately, that model has not worked so well for most of us.

    So at the time I first heard your view on relationship development, I was that growing Christian who had dated an awful lot but who was searching for another way of thinking about everything concerning my walk with Christ, especially dating. In stepped KP with this wild (almost radical) idea that people should start out being friends before they became ‘lovers’ – I mean before they started dating. While this is not a novel or new idea, it is one that so many of us have abandoned for many reasons: it’s too long of a process and I don’t have that kind of time; or I will eventually learn everything I need to know as the ‘relationship’ develops. This is where the old adage that ‘anything worth having is worth waiting for’ is most applicable. We are in such a hurry to have what we want, when we want it, that we don’t have time to actually take our time in this most important area of our lives. It is quite possible that we take more time researching what school to attend or car to buy than we do with who we will date (I think you have said that before so I am just recycling your words).

    So your insistence that Christians create ‘friend zones’ IS what is necessary to give any relationship (if one is developed) a fighting chance at success. If the truth be told, if more of us had utilized this concept in our past, a lot of people we dated would have never made it passed the ‘friend zone’ and we could have spared ourselves a lot of heartache and pain.

    All I can say KP is continue to hold firm to your view because it is scripturally sound and what every Christian (who is genuinely trying to live this life authentically) needs to learn and understand. Scripture says “be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God.” That is bible! Why are we (Christians) trying to be and look like the world? God specifically said we were to do the exact opposite. I truly hope and pray that more genuine Christians – men and women – would have their hearts and minds open to this ‘wild and radical’ view you so eloquently and persistently espouse. Maybe, just maybe, the success rate for Christian relationships could be a shining example to the world on how it really should be done.

  6. Ericka Hardy
    April 21, 2011

    This was just in time. Great blog KP

  7. Jamela Singletary
    May 17, 2011

    Wow! This information is so gravitating i can’t wait to read more! This is my 1st time on the site & this was the 1st thing i read & i’m like Wow! I thank God for you KP!